How Can I Go On Without You?
by Jimelda
Summary: True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is just one way of saying I love you. This is the story of how Kate begins to find the strength to move on. Jate. Spoilers for The End.
1. Leaving You Behind

**Title: **How Can I Go On Without You?  
**Rating: **Let's just go with PG-13 for this one  
**Disclaimer: **I still don't own Lost or it's characters, but I continue to love them anyway.  
**Summary:** Love, true love, is that which can give the most without asking or demanding anything in return. How can Kate possibly ever recover? How can she continue to live her life without the man of her dreams? This is the story of her learning to move on, and learning how to let go. Spoilers for The End. Gotta give **Kathryn** credit for the summaries. Thank you very much! :)

* * *

**Part One: Leaving You Behind**

Lying down in the bamboo field, Jack finally feels at peace. His pain is receding, barely noticeable anymore, though it is getting harder to keep his eyes open. Vincent comes to lie beside him, as if saying his work here is finally done.

It isn't until Jack sees the plane fly away, letting him know he's finally succeeded, that he sighs in relief. And, in the place where it all began, he closes his eyes for the last time.

* * *

Kate clutches the seat tightly, every nerve in her body screaming at her to turn around and go back for him, for Jack. She feels the air rush out her lungs, disappearing from the room, and she knows deep in her soul that it is too late. Claire sees the stricken look on her face and holds her close, telling her that everything will be alright as the tears run down her face.

Kate shakes her head softly, too lightly for Claire to feel, and cries harder. The realization constricting her chest as she understands that nothing will ever be okay again.

* * *

Every day is a living hell for Kate, each waking moment spent knowing Jack is dead, that he's died on that godforsaken Island. Deep in her heart, though she's certain it's true, a part of her is still in denial. Eventually that denial begins to take over and she wonders if Jack really could be alive.

She knows what the answer is, remembers feeling a piece of her die inside while she was flying away on the plane. But she's managed to convince herself that it may not be true; after all, she has no proof. Jack could still be living on the Island somewhere for all she knows. But that uncertainty is killing her.

Nothing can take her mind off him. Not Claire. The reunion so sweet between her, Aaron and her mother that Kate wishes desperately for Jack to have been there and seen it. Not Sawyer, who visits often and is the only one who really can relate to what she's going through. Not even Cassidy and Clementine, their life together reminding Kate of how much she's lost.

Everyone else's lives seem to be perfect, things just falling into place. Claire finally gets to raise her son and spend time with her mother again, though it takes a while for Aaron to accept Claire as his mother instead of Kate.

Even after three years, the ache of losing Charlie is still so fresh that Claire has yet to get involved in another relationship. But she's found a friend in Cassidy, whose daughter is already very close to Aaron, and the two spend time together whenever they can.

Sawyer doesn't even try to go back to his previous life, no longer wanting to be a con man. Instead he and Miles found a missing persons' service, using Sawyer's detective skills and Miles' ability to communicate with the dead to their advantage.

As the business grows, he continues sending checks to Cassidy until he works up the courage to actually visit her. She doesn't scream and chase him out of the house, but it is a long time before she lets him see Clementine. And when he does, he loves her right away.

Though he still isn't living with them, he's moved nearby and spends most weekends with his daughter. He and Cassidy grow closer and though she will never be a replacement for Juliet, Sawyer is thankful he has someone to talk to other than Kate.

Kate has to admit she's proud of everyone for moving on, but it hurts to see them continuing to lead their lives as though nothing life-changing has happened in the past three years. And no matter how hard she tries, she can't seem to let go like the rest of them.

Whenever she goes out on a date, usually someone Cassidy has set her up with, she winds up comparing him to Jack. Those men never match up and she knows she'll never be satisfied with anyone else.

Making trips to the hospital is torture for her, each time she expects Jack to walk around the corner, smiling in his lab coat or scrubs and ready to take her out to lunch. Now it's unbearable to realize he will never walk into a hospital again, will be a doctor no more. If he's dead.

There it is again, that question, the one that circles around in her brain night after night. Many days she wakes up feeling his lips on hers, remembering their last, sweet farewell kiss when she said "I love you"and he said it too.

Too often she'll break down crying for no reason, it doesn't matter where she is or what she's doing. And sometimes she doesn't even have the strength to get out of bed in the morning, there is no point.

She knows she's sinking into depression, knows her friends are concerned about her, but there is nothing she could do about it. Until Desmond comes to talk to her.

He knocks on the door to her apartment – she moved out of her old house a while ago, leaving it with Claire because there were too many painful memories – nearly five months after Kate and the others have left the Island. And what he has to say is more painful than anything she can have imagined.

He doesn't talk about how he's gotten off the Island, he ignores Kate when presses him about it, and moves on to his more important news.

Jack is dead. Desmond, Hurley and Ben found his body a few days after the Island stopped shaking. He was lying peacefully in the bamboo field, a soft smile on his face. Vincent was resting beside him, as if looking after his master until someone else found him.

They buried him with all the others, beside the cross everyone had lain there for Charlie – his body was never found – and Locke, the real Locke whom Desmond and Ben had gone to retrieve from beside the statue while Hurley dug the graves. They put up crosses for Sun, Jin and Sayid too.

Kate stares at Desmond with wide eyes while tears run down both their faces. Strangely enough she isn't surprised, she's been certain Jack is dead for a long time but she wanted desperately to be wrong.

Now that she hears the truth, she doesn't even feel any of the sorrow or heartache that she's been experiencing for the past few months. Instead all she feels is numb.

Desmond tries to make the news more bearable, explaining how much Jack cared about her. "All he wanted to do was make sure you were safe," he says. But how can anyone make the loss of a love easier to handle?

Kate, so tired of everyone trying to make her feel better, finally loses her temper.

"If he wanted me to be safe, he should have come with me!" she screams, pushing Desmond out the door. She curls up on the couch, clutching a pillow to her chest as the numbness begins to recede and sobs wrack her body.

A knock on her door brakes through the fog filling her mind. Wearily she gets off the couch, knowing full well who it will be. Seeing him standing there, tears in his own eyes, only makes it worse.

Overcome with nausea, Kate races down the hall to her bathroom. She barely makes it to the toilet before emptying the contents of her stomach. Heaving, her body shaking so much she has trouble propping herself up, Kate wants to die.

She knows Desmond is waiting for her outside, needing her to be strong for the both of them, but it doesn't matter. She's too far gone now to even care.

Lacking the energy to move, Kate lies still until Desmond opens the door and carries her to the couch. Amidst her daze, she notices the tears falling silently down his cheeks as well. A rush of pity goes out to her friend, only to be replaced by the jealous realization that he gets to go home to his family.

He still has a chance to be with his wife and child, the ones he loves, and her chance has disappeared.

"I know you loved him, Kate, but Jack is gone. You have to move on," he says gently.

She flinches as he uses the past tense verb. "How can I let go when I still love him so much. How can I ever live without him?" Kate asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

"It's hard, I'm not going to lie to you. But you'll get through it, because you know that you will see Jack again."

She blinks, trying to clear her vision. All she can manage is a confused stare in Desmond's direction.

"What if I told you that when we die, there's a place we go where we can see all our loved ones again? Jack will be there, trust me, I've seen it for myself." His thoughts turn back to the universe he saw after being exposed to the electromagnetism.

"I wouldn't believe you," Kate says sadly. Too much has happened in her life for her to have faith in those kind of fairytales anymore. Desmond only stares at her, sad to see how broken she has become.

* * *

So basically this will be a multi-chaptered fic (right now it's two parts, but that could change) and I'll try to post the next bit soon. Sorry if it's a bit depressing, but I need to get this out of my system before I can start writing any happier fics again.

Feel free to let me know what you think, I love hearing everyone's opinions. Thanks. :)


	2. Seeing You Again

Thanks so much for all the reviews. I want to get this fic finished up (there's only one more chapter left) and then I'll go back to working on my other ones. And the song is _Airplanes_ by B.o.B featuring Hayley Williams or _Airplanes, Part II _(with Eminem), these lyrics are the same. :)

* * *

**Part Two: Seeing You Again**

_Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky  
__Are like shooting stars?  
__I could really use a wish right now.  
__(Wish right now, w__ish right now)_

Stars dot the sky like teardrops falling from the heavens. Kate isn't sure whether to be saddened or filled with peace at the sight above her. Lying in a wide open field, she closes her eyes and listens to the wind whisper through the tall grass around her.

For the first time in a long while she doesn't feel lonely, there's only a vague sense that she has something important to do nagging at the back of her mind. She pushes it away, enjoying nothing but the feeling of the night surrounding her.

A hand entwines with hers and her eyes open slowly – she has no sense of urgency here and isn't afraid of who the hand might belong to. Seeing Jack's smiling face above her, her heart leaps with joy. It encases her soul and lifts her up, lightening her mood in ways she hasn't felt in ages.

"Jack," she whispers as he sits down next to her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She lifts her fingers up to caress his face and as soon as she touches his skin, something clicks inside her. The missing piece of her heart is right in front of her, is looking deeply into her eyes with nothing but love and affection for her, and instantly she becomes whole again.

"I've missed you so much," she whispers, tilting her face up, searching. He knows what she wants and he presses his lips gently against hers, passion exploding between them.

Suddenly she begins to cry, hiccupping in short gasps though she refuses to stop kissing him. He is the one who pulls away, cupping her face in his rough, calloused hands that are so familiar to her.

"What's wrong, Kate?" he asks tenderly. She shakes her head, unable to speak. "Did I do something wrong? Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have come." He begins muttering to himself, so softly that she only catches part of what he is saying. "...should have just left her alone. Maybe I should go now before I cause any more damage..."

She hears his plan and grips his arm tightly as he tries to stand up. "Don't leave me, Jack!" she pleads, her voice breaking.

"I didn't come here to hurt you. I only wanted to make sure you're doing okay," he explains.

That's when she finally understands. "This isn't real?" In the back of her mind, she's known this could be nothing more than a dream, but his nod of agreement nearly kills her. The tears come faster, taking away her breath.

He sighs. "Oh, Kate. I'm sorry. I have no right to come here and disrupt your life. I'm not part of that world now and I have to stop pretending I am."

"You're still a part of my world. And you're in the memories of everyone else who ever knew you. We all miss you, Jack. And I don't know how to keep living my life if you're not in it," she tells him sadly.

A smile lights up his face as he gazes at her with adoration and pride. "You already are. You've been living without me for a while and you have to keep doing that, okay?"

"I can't!" she sobs, the words bursting from her mouth before she can stop them. "Every day I wake up and remember that you'll never be there to kiss me good morning or make me breakfast or go on walks with me again. And the world turns a little bit darker and it's all I can do just to get out of bed."

"You're doing great," he praises her. "Better than I would be in your situation." He chuckles to himself at some inside joke. "And it's not like you won't see me again. One day, when it's your time to go, I'll be waiting on the other side to see you again."

_So Desmond was right, _she thinks, surprised. She's never been a big believer in faith; it has never been an important aspect of her life. But Jack's words fill her with a sense of tranquility.

"Why can't I come with you now?" she wonders, willing to give up whatever life she has left just to be with him again.

He shakes his head, swearing quietly. "See, that's why I shouldn't be here telling you this, Kate. It's not your time yet. You still have things to do here. And I want you to live your life for the both of us, okay? You have to promise me that you won't come find me for a long time. Not until you're ready."

"But I am ready," she says and it's the truth.

"No, Kate, you're not. You only think you are. But trust me, you still have a great life ahead of you. Don't give that up just for me. Do you promise?"

With him staring at her so intently, willing her to accept what he's saying, how can she resist? "I promise," she says, making him smile that smile again, the one she loves so much.

"Good." Then he leans down and kisses her again, more gently than she could ever imagine.

But she isn't having that. She knows it will be their last kiss for a while and she doesn't want it to be sweet and reserved. She wants it to be filled with uncontrollable passion.

So she deepens the kiss, filling it with as much emotion as she can. He responds, pulling her closer to him. They both break apart, gasping for breath but grinning at each other like lunatics.

"I love you," he tells her seriously, squeezing her hand tightly.

"I love you too," she promises, meaning it more than anything she's ever said before. Staring at his face, so handsome and wonderfully familiar, she knows this moment is more perfect than anything else she could ever ask for.

* * *

Then she wakes up.

It takes her a while to remember where she is, her thoughts moving sluggishly. But the silence of her bedroom is deafening and it finally reminds her that she isn't on the Island or in some strange meadow. She is at home, whatever home she has left.

She touches her mouth numbly, still feeling his lips against hers. If she keeps her eyes closed, she can imagine him lying next to her. She breaths deeply, taking in his scent. And for a moment, she actually fools herself into thinking the past five months haven't happened and Jack is still alive and right beside her.

Her eyes snap open and the last remnants of her dream fade away. The pillow beside her is empty, no one else having ever lain there. She presses her hands to her mouth, holding in a cry of anguish. It's always like this, each morning waking up alone, the pain of it never fading away, only seeming to get worse with time.

She remembers how it felt to lie in bed alone after Jack left her and Aaron. The pain she felt then was nothing compared to this. At least back then she knew Jack was still alive and out there somewhere. And that was when she still had Aaron to comfort her, to keep her sane.

Now she has no one, she's pushed them all away. They still spend time with her, but it's nothing like the true friendships she used to have. There is no one left who cares deeply enough about her like Jack did.

The air becomes stuffy with heat, its weight pressing on her lungs and stifling her breathing. She is reluctant to move, but soon it becomes too much and she gives in, rolling out of bed to open a window. A faint breeze blows in, pushing away her irrational sense of claustrophobia.

Lying back down, she notices for the first time that tears are leaking from her eyes. She is surprised she hasn't run out of them yet, that all her crying hasn't left her tear ducts dry.

She lets herself cry, having no reason to stop the flow of tears. And she thinks about her dream. It seemed so real but how is she supposed to know if it was or not? Maybe Jack really did visit her in her dreams, maybe he didn't.

And then something else occurs to her. Maybe it doesn't matter. Either it was a dream or it was a different kind of reality. All that's important is she knows wherever he is, Jack still cares about her. He misses her too and is counting down the days until he can see her again.

_What's to stop me from being with him right now? _she asks herself, considering the easiest way to do that. Some part of her shies away from the thought, remembering what Jack said. Aside from him being pissed at her for cutting her life short, Kate finds herself reluctant to end it all.

Jack was right, she isn't ready.

But she has to do something, find some way to get past this pain and continue living. She's tired of hiding away, being miserable and making everyone else around her miserable too.

Suddenly she knows what she needs to do. She needs to accept what happened on that Island – which means accepting Jack's death – and move on. She needs to say goodbye.


	3. Telling You Goodbye

Thanks for all the reviews, I'm really pleased with the positive reaction to this fic. Sorry it took so long to update. I'd finished this chapter a while ago, but have been so busy that I forgot to post it. Reviews make my day, help spread the love. ;)

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**Part Three: Telling You Goodbye**

Lying awake in bed, Kate thinks about what she's planning to do tomorrow. She is dreading it already, but she prays it won't be much worse than the things she's already done.

_4 months, 2 weeks earlier..._

While watching the news one night, staring unseeing at the TV more like, she hears something that catches her attention. The search for Ajira Flight 316 and its passengers has been called off.

"We must prepare ourselves for the worst," a news reporter is saying, "as it is unlikely that there are any survivors."

She tunes out the rest of the story, knowing that none of the passengers will ever be found. She had used a fake identity herself, not supposed to have left California. Even Frank had slipped away after arriving back home, using a private landing strip for the plane to touch down on. He'd mumbled something about not wanting to deal with the publicity and hassle of being the only survivor and she hasn't heard from him since.

The next morning while reading the newspaper she sees a notice for Jack's funeral. The thought of going twists her heart into knots, but not going would be even worse. The days after that she gathers up her remaining strength and picks out an outfit to wear.

At this time she is still living with Claire and Aaron, in the house she once shared with Jack, and she pleads with them to come too. Claire doesn't need much convincing, she wants to be there to say goodbye to her brother, after all. And she's already gotten used to life off the Island again, no longer overwhelmed by the outside world.

Getting her to accept the idea of Aaron coming is, on the other hand, no easy task.

Claire is worried about her son dealing with death at such a young age, but Kate argues that he'll never stop asking about Jack and they'll regret not taking him as he gets older.

Explaining to Aaron about death is the hardest thing she's had to do so far. She isn't sure how much he understands – "Does this mean we won't get to see Jack anymore, Aunt Kate?" – he asks her, but he senses the mood around him and is old enough to realize something sad is about to happen.

* * *

The funeral itself is brutal.

Jack's mom keeps shooting glares in her direction throughout the entire service. Kate knows Margo blames her for the death of her only son – Kate blames herself as well – though the hatred from Jack's mother makes her own guilt no easier.

Marc Silverman, whom Kate had come to know as a good friend while she and Jack were living together, is there too, crying silently.

All her friends, even Miles, Frank and Ji Yeon – whose grandparents had brought her all the way from Korea at Kate's request, knowing it's what Sun and Jin would have wanted – are sitting in the pews behind her. She wishes she could see Hurley's face in the crowd, but right now she isn't even sure he's still alive.

She pushes that thought to the back of her mind, it's just another thing to worry about and she has enough stress to deal with already.

When it comes time for her to speak, she looks out at the faces of all the people who love and support her, and begins her eulogy. She's spent days preparing it, struggling to speak past the tears, but now, saying it front of a church full of people, seems a hundred times harder than she can ever have imagined.

She takes a deep breath and begins, needing to say this. Not just for herself, but for Jack too. She hopes that wherever he is now he is listening.

"Jack was more than a friend to all of us. He took care of us, kept us safe and did what he'd always wanted to do – he got us off the Island. He – he never gave up on any of us, no matter how...how hard it was for him."

She stops, thinking about how tough those three years off the Island were for him. Her eyes fill with tears as she wishes, not for the first time, that their relationship could have worked out back then.

Why it had taken nearly losing her son and everyone they loved to admit how much they cared about each other, she doesn't know. She just yearns, with all of her heart, that it could have turned out differently.

Suddenly it all becomes too much, too final, being here at Jack's funeral, giving him one last farewell. Her deep breaths become shallow gasps as she searches for air that isn't there.

Claire stares at her sympathetically while Sawyer wills her to continue. Kate realizes she's standing there in silence, her chest heaving with threatening sobs.

"I – I loved him," she says, forcing herself to finish what she's started. "He always said we'd be together, I just...wish we'd gotten th – the chance to. G – goodb – " she stops again, unable to say it. Even though she knows in her heart that Jack is dead, she still can't voice those certainties out loud.

_And maybe he isn't, _she thinks. _Maybe that's why I can't say goodbye yet. _And once that hope blossoms inside of her, she can't stop it. She doesn't want to.

But the tears of what may or may not be true, of the unknown she fears so much, are spilling freely down her cheeks now, too fast to stop. So she steps down from the podium and makes her escape into the hallway.

She presses her forehead against the cool brick, trying to calm herself down. A hand on her shoulder makes her jump and for a second, she sees a familiar smirk flash in front of her.

Then it's gone, he doesn't smile much these days, and all she sees is the pain that fills his eyes.

"What do you want, Sawyer?" she demands, angry that he is here to witness her being so weak, angry that she can't be strong like him.

"I jus' wanted ya' to know that you ain't alone in this. We all miss the Doc too." She gets the feeling that he isn't just talking about Jack and, for a moment, she imagines how hard this must be for him.

He never got a proper funeral for Juliet so why does Jack deserve something better? The sad truth is that this funeral isn't for Jack, it's for everyone else who's known him. They think that honouring his memory with some meaningless ceremony in a stuffy room will make themselves feel better.

Kate begins to see why Jack always hated funerals so much.

"Thanks," she tells Sawyer softly, meaning it. "Hey, want to go get some lunch or something?"

They both know what she doesn't say aloud, _Let's get out of here because I can't handle it anymore, _and Sawyer shakes his head.

"Trust me, Freckles. The first thing ya' gotta do is stop runnin'. It don't make the pain go away, don't even make it any easier, but it makes it jus' a little more bearable. 'N that's all ya' can ask for."

She looks up into his deep blue eyes – wishing she were staring into another set of endless, hazel eyes instead – and does something completely impulsive and stupid. She kisses him, pressing her lips roughly against his and waiting for him to react.

Instead he freezes, standing still until she backs away. Her cheeks flame and she glances downwards, afraid to meet his gaze. She knows it was dumb, will spend hours lying awake at night wishing she can take that kiss back, but at the same time she is so desperate for the touch of another human being that she will do almost anything.

What she won't admit, even to herself, is that for a brief second she could imagine that the lips against hers belonged to someone else. To the man she wished was here to kiss her instead of Sawyer.

After an awkward silence, Sawyer finally tilts her chin up, wiping away the tears that are rolling down her cheeks and forcing her to look at him. In his expression she doesn't see the hatred or disgust she is expecting, instead she only sees understanding. And loneliness.

"I know what you're thinkin', Freckles, 'n we ain't goin' back down that road. I'll be your friend, someone to talk to 'n help keep ya' sane, but that's all. Our relationship ain't what it used to be. I jus' wish I coulda' learned that before Jules was gone. Then maybe things woulda' been different."

He sighs, blinking heavily and shaking a strand of hair out of his face. He hasn't gotten it cut since the Island, "I'm too used to havin' long hair now," he'd told her once, but Kate knows he secretly wants to go back to a time before things had gone so wrong.

She's caught herself doing it too, avoiding any drastic changes in her lifestyle because she still clings to the fantasy that it's not too late to change things.

"But things ain't different, Freckles. That's what I'm tryin' to tell ya'. So you 'n me can go back in there together, or ya' can walk out the front door alone, okay?"

She doesn't acknowledge she's even heard him and, after a moment, he turns away, heading back inside by himself. The tears start again, this time they are tears of shame for not being stronger, for being too weak to handle the pain of this damn funeral.

But at the same time, she is thankful that Sawyer helped her realize something. The past can't be changed. There is no going back, only moving forward, and nothing she can do will change what already happened. She shouldn't be afraid to do different things now, to continue living, instead of hoping that she can continue to live in the past.

That's the day she decides to move out of her house.

* * *

When Claire comes home after the funeral, confused about Kate's sudden disappearance after failing to finish her eulogy, she is met with a pile of suitcases and boxes.

"Kate, are you home?" she calls, carrying a sleeping Aaron inside the house. "Sawyer said you'd left but he didn't say why..." Her sentence trails off when she sees the stack of belongings, the few meaningful things Kate can bear to bring with her, things that don't remind her too much of the life she will never have with Jack, but things that won't let her forget him either.

"What are you doing?" Claire asks, setting Aaron down on the couch and pulling a blanket over his sleeping form.

"I'm moving," Kate replies. "It's time for me to go. You and Aaron are doing just fine now and I'm sure you'll still be great when I'm gone."

It takes a moment for what she says to sink in. "You're leaving us with the house?"

Kate nods. "Yeah, I don't need to sell it – the last thing I need is more money – and Aaron's already so comfortable here. I think the best thing for him would be to let you two stay."

"But where will you go?" Claire wonders and Kate is touched by the note of concern in her voice.

"Not too far, but somewhere not so close to here. I just need to get away from this, you can understand that right?" She knows how it sounds, she's running away again. But that's not necessarily true. While she may be running from her past, what she's really doing is running towards her future.

Things don't turn out like she wants, though. The next few weeks pass by in a blur until, before she knows it, five months have gone by and she's sitting on her bed wondering where that time went. Most of it was spend hiding in her apartment, trying to resist the urge to cry – and usually failing.

She had lunch with Sawyer a few times each week as well, when he wasn't too busy with his detective work.

And no matter how much she may have felt it, her friends constantly reminded her that she was not alone. Desmond's visit only helped reinforce that idea and Kate sighs as, once more, she remembers what she will do tomorrow.

She rolls over, fixing the twisted mess of blankets at her ankles – further proof of her anxiety – and tries to fall asleep. She knows the next day will be a long one and she wants to face it without dark circles under her eyes.

Finally she drifts off into an uneasy sleep, not the peaceful one she hoped for at all. Her dreams are filled of shattering cliffs, airplane crashes and dripping blood. And when she does awake at 3:47 in the morning, her legs twitching as if preparing for a fall from a high ledge, she wishes fiercely that she can feel Jack's arms around her, holding her tight and chasing away her fears.


	4. Learning to Move On

Thanks for all the reviews. I'm glad everyone has enjoyed reading this and I hope you all like the final chapter. :)

* * *

**Part Four: Learning to Move On**

_When I miss you, I don't have to go far...  
__I just have to look inside my heart because that's where I'll find you.  
_~Unknown

Opening up her umbrella and stepping from the car, all Kate can hear is the sound of the raindrops falling above her head. The weather perfectly suits her mood, gray and cloudy, with the ever-looming possibility of a thunderstorm.

When she looked out her bedroom window this morning and caught a glimpse of what the day would be like, she almost convinced herself to wait until tomorrow. But after stressing so much she found herself unable to put it off another day.

Walking toward her destination, Kate splashes in one puddle after another, the water soaking her high heeled shoes and spraying up the back of her legs. She smoothes out the dark blue dress she has picked to wear, now wishing she'd thought to choose something more sensible.

There's no going back now so she continues forward, pushing the gates open and hearing them screech slightly in protest before she enters the cemetery.

Striding along the rows of graves, it is as though she has entered a different world. Everything is silent except for the rain and she finds it almost peaceful.

Finally she finds the right spot and steps off the path, the long grass leaving wet trails across her legs. Stopping in front of the headstone, Kate takes a deep breath, leans down and places a bouquet of flowers beside it.

Her eyes fill with tears despite her resolve not to cry and she straightens up in shame, angry at herself for still being so weak.

She finds herself staring at the headstone, its message hard to read through her tears, but Kate knows the words by heart anyway. They were seared into her mind on the day of the burial.

_In Loving Memory of Jack Shephard. Beloved Son and Hero. _Then his birth and death dates, which only cause her to cry harder.

She wishes it said more, about the kind of hero Jack was, how brave and courageous he always managed to be, or how he saved the lives of not only his patients, but also his friends.

She knows there are no words to describe the man he was, though. She's tried.

And just like that, she knows it was foolish to come here. What good seeing Jack's tombstone was supposed to do, she doesn't know anymore. All she knows is that her heart aching and her mind is telling her to leave before she feels even worse.

As she turns away, Kate spots something silver in the grass beside her. Picking it up, her mouth opens in surprise when she gets a better look at it and realizes exactly what it is.

The engagement ring Jack gave her not that long ago – but what feels like forever now – is resting in her palm, the diamond in its center seeming to twinkle in front of her very eyes.

She pulls out the chain she always wears around her neck and isn't surprised to see that the ring is no longer on it.

Before Kate can stop herself, a soft smile appears on her face and some small part of her heart, the part overcome with grief and depression, mixed with her love for Jack, lifts.

She wonders how the ring got there in the first place. Maybe Claire took it from her last time they saw each other, or maybe it somehow slipped off her chain – even though it's not broken. But she finds herself not caring either way. Though she has never been a big believer in signs, she can't help but feel this is a message from Jack, telling her that he still cares about her.

In that moment, Kate realizes how lucky she is. Did someone else put the ring there? Probably. But did they do because they care about her and want to ease her pain, even though they are hurting as well? Definitely.

Kate knows she is fortunate enough to have friends who will do that for her, and who show compassion, much like the man she loved always did.

This time, thinking of Jack doesn't hurt. It only makes her grateful that she knows such wonderful people.

Sliding the ring back onto its chain, Kate imagines for one moment what her life could have been like if she and Jack had gotten married. But instead of allowing herself to wallow in self pity, her thoughts turn to Aaron and the life he would have had, never knowing his real mother.

Being able to reunite Claire with her son makes Kate thankful she went back to the Island. At least that part turned out the way it was supposed to.

Kate's thoughts turn to little Ji Yeon, who will have to grow up without parents. Kate vows to make sure the child gets to know what her mother and father were like, what wonderful people they were.

She pictures Aaron and Ji Yeon playing together with Desmond and Penny's son, Charlie, something she very much hopes they will get to do someday. Something she will make happen.

And then she begins to understand something.

Jack lives on in her friends, in all the people that ever knew him. He'd touched each of their lives in some way, changed them, and so he will never be forgotten.

And because of what he did, what he gave up, they all get to live. Something Kate will never take for granted again.

The pain of losing Jack is far from gone but it has lessened, enough for her to stop feeling sorry for herself and want to live her life. The way Jack would have wanted her to, the way she wants to.

"Goodbye," she tells him, and finally she can say it.

_It feels good to let go, _she thinks briefly.

Suddenly Desmond's words about the afterlife come back to her and Kate finds herself hoping Jack is up there somewhere, listening and watching over her. Waiting for the day when he will see her again.

As she stares at the headstone one last time, an inscription on the bottom catches her eye.

_To live on in the hearts of those we love is never to die._

And this, Kate knows for certain, is true.


End file.
